Real Housewives of Orange County: The top 3 most cringe moments

OK here it is – the third and final installment of our journey through Orange County’s most cringe-worthy moments. And we’re sticking with the theme of “faces.”

1. Top Real Housewives of Orange County cringe: 50 shades of orange

It’s season seven, episode 11. We’ve escaped Orange County, and the ladies are off to Vegas to watch Gretchen’s legendary Pussycat Dolls performance.

Now I’m sorry to disappoint you, but we’re not going to be revisiting that “Fever” rendition, which was perhaps a bit less Pussycat Doll and a bit more white-trash karaoke.

No, this slot’s reserved for Gretchen’s entertainment rival Mrs. Alexis Bellino. That’s right folks, not only did Alexis steal the Fox5 gig from Gretchen, but she’s also run off with the award for the most cringe-worthy scene in Vegas.

I’m of course paying homage to the legendary make-up session that transformed the nose-job beauty into… well, let’s ask Mrs Bellino what she’s looking for from Anastasia, the Vegas make-up artist:

“I don’t wanna look go-go-ish. I wanna look sexy, sultry. Like, naturally saucy”

OK, simple enough.

A whiter shade of pale

“Ooh, that’s white. I look like a geisha right now,” Alexis remarks, as Anastasia begins to work her magic.

“I know, don’t worry,” the make-up artist replies.

Yes Alexis, don’t worry. This current geisha look’s going to be the least of your problems.

Cut to Jim sitting patiently in the next room looking at a picture of his son in Spiderman face-paint.

“Are you getting face painted too?” Jim calls out innocently to his wife.

Oh Jim, you have no idea.

“Yeah, you could call it that,” Alexis replies, looking anxious and now a peculiar shade of blue.

What’s that Anastasia, you want to add more silver?

“No, I don’t want any more at all.” OK, that’s a firm “no” from Alexis.

Enter Jim – “Let me see.”

Yes Jim, let’s all see.

Cut to Alexis.

OK, how do I describe this? Remember that episode from Friends when Ross got a spray tan? Now imagine that on Alexis, with circular white holes around her eyes where goggles would’ve been.

Awkward silence.

Yummy dummy

“I feel I have too much make-up here…” Alexis points to her upper lip “…like it’s, like I look like I have a moustache.”

No, that’s not the problem Alexis. Jim, anything to say?

“Oh, I am gonna fix that with powder over it.”

Yes, Anastasia, that’s the solution, let’s pile more make-up on there. OK, here come the eyes. Dark blue… no wait… black eyes? I think I preferred the “goggles” look.

“It’s a little much on the make-up babe.” Ya think, Jim?

“I know, it’s really, really dark, huh.” Yes Alexis, yes it is.

So, are we going to chisel it off her face now, Anastasia?

“I’m gonna put a light coat over it, so you won’t see it. It’s not gonna look that dark.”

Oh, OK, another layer. Oh, hang on a minute… I see… I see what you’re going for here – it’s the papier-mache carnival dummy look. Am I right?

Jim, make sure you retain Anastasia’s services for Thanksgiving Day Parade. You can put your wife on one of the floats alongside the other effigies.

Alternatively, you can get rid of this make-up artist, start salvaging your wife’s face, and get to the dinner you’re now late for.

OK, well done guys you got rid of her – now get rid of that face, Alexis.

“Oh my god. Babe, I can’t get it off, BABE I CAN’T GET IT OFF.”

Off your face

Back in the restaurant, the Bellinos make a belated entry to dinner and relay the evening’s make-up dramas.

So, did Alexis get the make-up off ladies?

It’s a yes from Heather – “So how did you fix, cos you look very pretty?”

A no from Tamra – “She kinda looks like a drag queen.”

And a – oops, looks like somebody’s had one too many drinks while waiting for dinner – sorry Brooks, what do you want to say to the Bellinos?

“Jim I haven’t seen you for a long, long time. Alexis, I wanna tell you what I’ve told her…”

The slurring sleaze-bag gestures to Vicki.

“…I wanna see if you get this. So I send, we send an affirmation of the day via text. That’s what we do. Or I send a quote of the day. I send a quote of the day and I send this to her. Man tells woman, ‘You mean the world to me, and I’m gonna shout it to the world.’ Woman tells man, ‘Then shout it to the world.’ Man leans over to the woman and whispers in her ear, ‘I love you.’”

Awkward silence.

Quick, someone get Anastasia back, we need to papier mache Brooks’ mouth shut.