Vanderpump Rules Recap: James Kennedy Must Go

DJ James Kennedy continues to melt down at PRIDE and Katie–conveniently forgetting her mean girl past–plans to take him down by giving Lisa an ultimatum.

Before we return to PRIDE and the continued meltdown of DJ James Kennedy, let me say a few words about the opening credits. Scheana’s hair extensions are ridiculous and Lisa Vanderpump’s bumpit has got to go. Lisa’s style makes her look dated, frumpy and way older than she actually is.

Back to SUR, where DJ James Kennedy has just responded to Katie’s jab about his pants by calling her fat. In a gesture only DJ James Kennedy (or Joan Crawford) could pull off, he tells Kristen Katie’s shorts aren’t very flattering and flounces away, flicking his lit cigarette at Kristen as he walks off. Further up the alley, Scheana is telling Raquel that on one hand Hope is probably lying, but on the other hand maybe she’s not. Waffling, thy name is Scheana.

Lisa is greeting her subjects on her royal progress from Pump to SUR, wearing a hot mess pink gown that some mother of the bride wore back in the 80’s. Since SUR’s theme du jour is the 80’s, I hope this was deliberate, but I suspect that Lisa just wore this dress to some event last Wednesday. Her entire closet is an homage to Krystle and Alexis, so I think the irony of this particular sartorial choice is lost on her.

Raquel wants to talk to Hope alone, away from Kristen. Kristen tells them to “be kind,” which is rich coming from Kristen. Raquel wants more details about the Coachella hookup, but Hope tells her that incident was just a drop in the bucket and she has been sleeping with James for three years. She also says she thinks Raquel is a beautiful person with a good heart and deserves better than James. I guess she took Kristen’s “be kind” admonition to heart.

That Hope delivered the news of James’ habitual cheating wrapped in a cloak of compliments for Raquel makes me believe Hope is telling the truth. This doesn’t seem to be a catty move motivated by jealousy and intended to hurt poor, doe-eyed Raquel; instead it comes off as one girl sincerely trying to impart the unwelcome reality that Raquel’s boyfriend sucks. Raquel doesn’t see it this way, and insists she needs more proof.

Inside SUR, Billie Lee is lurking in the background of every shot she thinks might make it to air. She pulls James away from Jax’s bar, then hovers in the hallway while Lisa warns James to lay off the liquor. Bravo created a monster with this one, and I just need her to get off my TV.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside and tells her to get her boyfriend under control. He is on edge and ready to blow—no pun intended. Raquel dutifully finds James and after he gaslights her for questioning him about Hope’s latest allegations, she trots after him like an errant puppy. The bottom line is Raquel wants to be with James and is sick of these girls (and Logan) coming out of the woodwork to say they’ve slept with him. Oh, Raquel. *sigh*

The next day, Katie fills in a hungover and muumuu-clad Schwartz on James’ fat comments. They didn’t make her feel bad about herself; they just filled her with rage. A rage-filled Katie is not a pleasant beast, and she’s clearly planning to go for James’ jugular by giving Lisa the ultimatum we saw in the previews and to which the title of this episode refers.

But the first repercussion for his behavior at PRIDE is that Peter calls James up to rescind his invitation to tonight’s birthday party. Apparently being disinvited to events is par for the course for James, who shrugs it off and blames Tom’s frou-frou drinks for sneaking up on him. Raquel disagrees and says James’ drinking has been getting out of control lately. And hallelujah for us, because drunk DJ James Kennedy’s antics are totally fueling this season so far.

Oh, look—in some totally contrived filler, RHOBH Teddi Mellencamp has come to SUR to ask Lisa if she will interview Teddi’s brother, who is moving to LA and needs a job. This makes Lisa think of her own brother who recently committed suicide. It’s a very sad situation, but I can’t help but wonder if master strategist Lisa is laying some groundwork for the upcoming season of Beverly Hills. Rumors have been swirling that the other BH Housewives are not pleased that she was AWOL for much of the filming. Is this Lisa’s way of making them look horribly petty and herself like a saint?

Everyone is gathering for Peter and Carter’s birthday party. I wonder how much promotional consideration the Belmont forked over to Bravo? It’s only the third episode and already this place has been the location for two major scenes. Stassi is annoyed with Scheana’s constant flip-flopping. She tells Scheana her efforts to play nice with everybody just end up biting her in the “a**” because it makes her look like she has no loyalty to anyone.

Scheana is even on the outs with her BFF Ariana. Stassi has stalked Ariana in an effort to cultivate her friendship, and it worked. They are conspiring to throw the most epic joint birthday party ever, giggling and high-fiving and pinky-kissing like two smitten 14-year-olds. Scheana eyes them from across the room and wonders if Stassi is turning Ariana against her.

Not completely (at least not yet), because Ariana mentions that Scheana will be disappointed to learn she’s not included in the Old Hollywood glam girls’ night Katie is planning. When Katie sneers that they don’t hang out with Scheana, Ariana abandons her efforts on Scheana’s behalf. She tells us in her confessional that if Scheana wants to be included in the WeHo witches’ plans, she needs to work out whatever issues she has with them herself.

Brandi and Jax are starting a beer cheese company in honor of Brittany’s Kentucky roots. Over artisan cheese samples, they discuss the James and Raquel situation. Jax makes the ultimate ironic statement when he says Raquel is the perfect girlfriend for James because she’ll let him get away with whatever he wants. Just like Brittany is the perfect girlfriend for Jax for the exact same reason.

She and Jax fail to see that Raquel and James are a younger version of themselves. Brittany tells Jax the situations are totally different because Jax admitted he slept with Faith and James just keeps lying to Raquel. Jax says the situations are totally different because he wanted to become a better person, and DJ James Kennedy is fine with being a scumbag for the rest of his life. I can’t with Jax and Brittany. How can two people be so woefully un-self-aware?

Brittany may be delusional, but she has a good heart. She feels empathy for Raquel and invites her to girls’ night. Raquel is pathetically grateful to be included and accepts Brittany’s invitation. Poor Raquel. Brittany’s heart is in the right place, but she’s just lured this guileless naif into the lion’s den—the setting for which will probably be the Belmont.

The Toms plus Sandoval’s Dad are at SUR for lunch. Why is DJ James Kennedy DJing during the lunch shift? Schwartz is upset over James’ comments about his “girlfriend,” and despite wanting to avoid confrontation at all costs, heads to the DJ booth to defend Katie’s honor. James grovels in the face of Schwartz’s remonstrations, but still can’t bring himself to repeat that Katie is sexy, luscious and beautiful. In his confessional he says he doesn’t see what the big deal is; he called Katie fat and now everyone is blowing the whole thing into a humungous mess—bigger than Katie herself. He just can’t help himself, can he?

The girls meet (not at the Belmont) for their night out. Ariana looks amazing in a red lace see-through jumpsuit. Brittany breaks the news that Raquel will be joining them, and immediately Kristen’s and Katie’s eyes begin to gleam in anticipation of gutting this willowy fawn.

Brittany would never have gotten through her bad times with Jax if she hadn’t had this group of girlfriends to support her, and she hopes Raquel will have the same experience. Umm, doubtful. Katie, Kristen and Stassi get up immediately after she arrives to go to the “ladies’ room,” which naturally is code for going to the bar to gossip about Raquel.

Brittany and Ariana assure Raquel no one is there to attack her. Everyone is just concerned about James’ behavior and wants her to feel supported. Raquel tells everyone they don’t know DJ James Kennedy like she does; he only goes off the rails and says insulting things when he’s drunk. In a continuation of this season’s theme of irony, Katie tells Raquel she doesn’t care if James only acts that way when he’s drunk. Wait a minute. Has she forgotten about Tequila Katie? For YEARS Katie excused her vitriolic tirades by saying tequila made her do it.

And now Katie is uncomfortable coming to work and is going to give Lisa an ultimatum—she can’t work in a place where fat-shaming is tolerated, so it’s either her or James. That’s funny. How many times did SUR tolerate Katie slut-shaming Lala? How many times did SUR tolerate Katie bullying any female she felt threatened by? James’ comments to Katie were low and meant to hurt her, but it’s a little hard to feel sorry for her when she has a history of being no better herself.

Katie figures this ultimatum will work in her favor, just like her last one did. Remember when she told Schwartz to propose within six months or else? And then waited for like, a year, for him to propose? How long will it take to get DJ James Kennedy to bend to her will?