Vanderpump Rules Premiere Recap

Vanderpump Rules is back! After starting last season with a bang, Jax is starting this one with a proposal.

Hooray! Vanderpump Rules is back, and as usual the show wastes no time bringing the drama. After my own weekend, which was like a Salvador Dali painting come to life, it’s nice to see I’m not the only one dealing with borderline personalities, infants and drunks. Vanderpump Rules comforts me just like Lala’s baby bottle comforts her. Let’s dive in!

Right away I notice that Scheana has slipped a notch in the opening credits, which makes the devil on my shoulder cackle with glee. She’s become insufferable, and I hope this means we’ll be seeing less of her this season.

The next thing of interest—and we’re barely 30 seconds into the episode—is there seems to be some beef between Billie Lee and Lala. I can’t stand Billie Lee—talk about extra! Billie Lee tries to pull some kind of power play with Lala by telling her to put away her phone and Lala is not having it. After the phony love fest surrounding Billie last season, hopefully things will be a little more real this time around.

What seems unreal is that Jax is a changed man, evidenced by the fact that he is actually making Brittany a turkey sandwich while she gets ready for work. She’s not looking forward to it because of the cheeky stunt DJ James Kennedy pulled at the last “See You Next Tuesday.” While Brittany was standing next to the DJ booth, having a good time and supporting James, he started rapping about Jax and Faith. She was humiliated, and Jax is out for blood.

Over at Sur, Sandoval warns James to chill out on the free-styling. James is unapologetic, insisting he’s simply an artist expressing himself, Kanye West-style. I don’t think proffering Kanye West as an example is an effective way to bolster any argument, but James has never shown the best judgment.

It’s been a difficult year at SUR. Lala and Jax both lost their fathers and Lisa lost her brother to suicide. In their talking heads, Lala and Lisa explain what it meant to lose their loved ones, while Scheana explains what it was like to lose Rob. Are the editors trying to make Scheana look as shallow and self-centered as possible by following a couple of heartfelt talking heads with more prattle about how Rob broke up with her?  If so, bravo, Bravo.

Jax brings Brittany to work and since he’s at SUR, decides to confront James. When in Rome. James grovels in response to Jax’s tirade, but Jax tells him apologies don’t work anymore. Did Jax just drop some Zen (or maybe reiki-inspired) wisdom about how to set boundaries with toxic people? Who is this man? And does anyone else think it’s strange that before all this, Jax gave James some fancy underwear?

Jax warns James he won’t be invited to any of his and Brittany’s “events,” and that he’s got a rough summer in front of him. As soon as Jax turns around and walks out the door, James runs to Lisa and tattles on him. Sandoval fills Lisa in on James’ little rap, and she is not amused. Looks like DJ James Kennedy is going to be on thin ice this season (again).

Over at a place called the Belmont, the VPR kids are getting free drinks in exchange for advertising this establishment. Self-important jerk Patrick broke up with Stassi, and she is WAY better off with her new boyfriend Beau. She breaks down in tears as she tells us how happy she is with him, and I’m wondering what kind of cosmic retrograde has happened over the past year to cause such seismic shifts in Jax and Stassi?

Speaking of which, the reason for this gathering is so Jax can tell Stassi, Beau and Schwartz that he plans to propose to Brittany. Everyone is happy for him, and it’s nice to see that after all these people have put each other through over the years, they can still genuinely celebrate with one another when the occasion warrants it.

Lala, Kristen and Katie are going to get piercings and the topic du jour is James. Everyone is done with him. Kristen is very protective over Brittany and ready to avenge the “See You Next Tuesday” incident. Lala cut him off after he made a crude comment to “her man” at Coachella. Katie proclaims that time’s up for James Kennedy, and I think we have the theme for this season.

Sandoval and Schwartz meet Ken and Lisa to describe the progress of TomTom. They’ve been spending hours creating what sound like extremely ambitious and labor-intensive cocktails (just how long is it going to take to get a drink at TomTom?) but haven’t given her the cocktail list she requested. She interrupts Sandoval’s dreams of diamond-pressed ice cubes and elderberry tea-infused elixirs to get down to business.

Time is running short and she needs that cocktail list so she can give it to Pandora. This is the first the Toms have heard of having to report to Pandora—someone who has never bartended in her life—and Sandoval is insulted. He wonders why Ken and Lisa want to name the bar TomTom when basically all they’ve done throughout this process is condescend to them.

Stassi and Brittany are at the dog park, and Stassi is about to burst under the pressure of keeping her knowledge of Jax’s impending proposal a secret. Jax and the Toms are at Kyle Chan’s picking up Brittany’s ring. Jax spent his inheritance from his father on it so every time he looks at it, he’ll be reminded of his Dad. It is a stunningly beautiful ring.

Jax and Brittany are headed to Malibu for what Brittany thinks is a date night. They’re taking a Lyft, which makes me curious about how much it costs to go from West Hollywood to Malibu. Jax is wearing skinny jeans and can’t put the ring box in any of his pockets because it’s too big. So what’s his solution? He puts it down his pants. So romantic!

Stassi and Kristen are at the Maloney-Schwartz home speculating about the evening. Kristen is sure Jax is going to propose, Katie thinks it’s too soon, and Stassi and Schwartz are just trying not to spill the beans. Stassi squirms for about five minutes then caves. Katie and Kristen don’t seem very excited for their long-suffering friend Brittany. Katie still thinks it’s too soon and Kristen is more excited about being right than about the proposal.

In Malibu, Jax and Brittany are eating at a super casual seafood joint with an amazing view of the ocean. Jax is pretty jittery, but Brittany doesn’t seem to notice. When their order number is called, Jax jumps up and demands a tray. He returns to the table with the ring box on the tray, gets down on one knee and proposes. Of course Brittany says yes.

I cannot believe Vanderpump Rules just made me cry. Brittany was SO HAPPY! It’s hard not to be happy for her when she’s finally getting the appreciation she deserves from Jax. He gave her many, many reasons to doubt him, but she always trusted her own instincts when it came to their relationship. It’s very sweet to see Brittany get, in the words of Kristen Doute, what she’s been waiting for since the day she was born. Or at least since the night she met Jax.