Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Reunion, Part 1

The despicable Vicki stoops to new lows as she goes after Kelly in Part 1 of The Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion.

Vicki is scum. Apparently being complicit in a fake cancer story or trying to cash in on that fakery with a bait-and-switch “charity” website didn’t sufficiently demonstrate her bottom-feeding ways to the Real Housewives of Orange County women. Nor does spilling their dirty laundry (or simply making some up) every time she needs to divert attention away from her own odious behavior.

After a tedious montage of the Tres Amigas screeching and tequila-shooting their way through Mexico, Andy observes that Tamra and Shannon were quick to forgive Vicki for all her prior transgressions against them. Shannon tells us that after their make-up session at last year’s reunion, they all became close again almost immediately. I’ll never understand how Vicki keeps weaseling her way back into people’s good graces; there is absolutely nothing appealing about this woman.

Gina interrupts Vicki as she’s recalling the Tres Amigas’ raucous good times to call her out on her hypocrisy. Hello, New York Gina! How can Vicki have dismissed Gina’s birthday party by saying she doesn’t ever want to be one of “those girls” again–those girls meaning girls who go out to bars and party—when she whoops it up at Andele’s?

Vicki pretends to misconstrue her point and says she just meant she didn’t want to be single. Lie. That’s not what she said or what she meant. She was getting in a dig at the new girls and Gina sees right through it. So does Kelly, and she tells Gina not to get offended because it’s not personal—Vicki is just a hypocrite, plain and simple. Somewhere Gretchen Rossi is feeling vindicated.

The conversation turns to Vicki’s relationship with Steve, and Andy wonders why, in Mexico, both Tamra and Shannon basically said that Vicki is still in love with Brooks. Vicki tries to warn Andy that she is done talking about Brooks, but please. Vicki will never be done talking about anything that makes her the center of attention. She equivocates her way through a discussion about Steve, and I’m just so tired of hearing Vicki advance her own dubious narrative that I can’t type another word about her and Steve.

After a viewer points out that Brooks seems Dirty John-esque, Vicki reveals she is going after him for “murdering” her self-esteem and her bank account. Yep—not done talking about him. She keeps a spreadsheet filled with information about him, and when all the other women (including attorney Emily) advise her to let it go, she refuses. As she reminds us ad nauseum, she’s a smart businesswoman who knows what she’s doing. Good luck with that, Vicki. I hope her legal fees for this little vendetta truly murder her bank account.

It’s time to talk about Gina and her divorce from the elusive Matt. Andy asks if she went on the show knowing they were going to split up. She denies this, saying she thought the show might actually help her marriage. Andy still doesn’t understand the problem between Gina and hunky Matt; Gina gives some examples to explain why she didn’t feel Matt was meant to be her husband, which boiled down to the fact that he didn’t fill her love tank.

Andy brings up the other women’s reaction to her statement that she doesn’t believe in God. She’s an agnostic, but she had her kids baptized “just in case.” Vicki and Tamra, having been brainwashed by some creepy SoCal mega-church, can’t quite wrap their heads around the idea that someone may have different views on religion. Although to give Tamra credit, she ends up acknowledging that people have their own beliefs. Vicki stands by her assessment that Gina’s agnosticism renders her devoid of a moral compass. Of all the things Vicki should be taking ownership over, she chooses that ridiculous statement?

Emily thinks morality and religion are two different things. Gina thinks she may get through the pearly gates before Vicki does, and I have to agree. I think St. Peter would deem questioning a particular faith a far lesser sin than engaging in a lifelong, deliberate pattern of shady and vindictive behavior. Team Gina and Emily on this one.

Andy brings up the demise of Vicki and Kelly’s friendship over Vicki and Steve’s double date with Kelly’s ex-husband Michael. Everyone else sees what Vicki is pretending not to—Kelly is not upset about the double date; she’s upset she had to hear it through the grapevine rather from Vicki herself. Vicki makes excuses and obfuscates her role in the conflict, as usual, then finally goes for the jugular by telling Kelly that Michael said he went through fourteen years of hell being married to her. The shock and hurt on the normally scrappy Kelly’s face show the impact of Vicki’s low (and almost certainly made up) blow.

The next segment showcases how utterly disgusting Vicki and her tactics are. Kelly has recovered over the fourteen years of hell remark and is back to her fightin’ self. When Vicki tries to justify her hurtful words by saying Kelly is an unkind person, Kelly fires back that Vicki is also unkind…on the sly. Kelly tells Vicki to look in a mirror, and Vicki’s response—which is apropos of NOTHING—is that she doesn’t do cocaine. WTF is that?

And that’s not even the worst of it. Kelly denies doing coke and is appalled that Vicki would accuse her of it, especially when Kelly is the mother of a little kid. Vicki says she is “never with Jolie.” Now everyone is appalled, and rightly so. Vicki tries to backtrack; she didn’t say Kelly was a bad mother or never with Jolie. She said Kelly wasn’t with Jolie a lot. Not true. And Andy lets her get away with it! She just said Kelly was “never with Jolie.” Roll the tape! Just when you think Andy may actually hold Vicki accountable for her repulsive accusations, he reverts to his softball ways. Andy sucks.

Once again Vicki tries to excuse herself by saying she’s just repeating what Michael told her. Kelly calls out this lie, because despite what Vicki says, she knows Michael has her back. Everyone agrees that Michael and Kelly are co-parenting successfully, which it appears they are. The proof is in the pudding, and Jolie seems like a pretty great and well-adjusted kid. Shame on Vicki for bringing her into this.

The ladies break, and we get some behind-the-scenes footage. Vicki feels justified in saying whatever she wants about Kelly because Kelly called Steve a douchebag and Vicki a pig on Twitter. Shannon says it was cruel of Kelly to do that. She’s right, but it doesn’t justify Vicki’s just-as-cruel and far more damaging words. Calling people names on social media makes Kelly look juvenile, but it’s not an attack on Vicki’s character (as if anything could indict her character more than her own behavior). Vicki accusing Kelly of doing coke and being a bad mother goes way below the belt and could have affected Kelly’s custody if she and Michael weren’t in such a good place.

Vicki just shrugs it off, excusing herself by saying that if Kelly’s going to come at her, she’s going to hit right back. This, in a nutshell, is how Vicki’s mind works. There is nothing she won’t stoop to, nothing she can’t justify to herself. She is a horrible, horrible person. “Lies-a Minnelli,” indeed (tm Kelly).

A tearful Kelly calls Michael from her dressing room to confront him about what Vicki said. Of course Michael denies it all (because it was all a lie), and talks Kelly down. He knows she doesn’t do drugs, and they never even went to court about Jolie’s custody since they “agree on everything” where she’s concerned. It seems like Michael really does have Kelly’s back, and I’m glad he does.

Over in Vicki’s dressing room, she’s still trying to defend herself by quibbling over the exact words she used to eviscerate Kelly. She didn’t insinuate that Kelly does coke “all the time,” she just insinuated that Kelly does coke. It can’t be said enough—Vicki is despicable.

Don’t miss new episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County Mondays on Bravo.