Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Game of Phones

It’s another disastrous (and therefore delightful) Housewives dinner as Brandi continues to confront LeeAnne and calls out everyone else for being fake.

I love it when the Housewives go to dinner, because it usually ends in disaster. The ladies’ last meal in Copenhagen is no exception. Brandi lays it all out on the table—literally—by telling LeeAnne she despises her and that she thinks all the other ladies are being fake bitches. Basically Brandi’s issue is that LeeAnne may have calmed down, but she hasn’t changed. She is still going around town spreading rumors and we are shown a montage of LeeAnne’s evil deeds to back up this assertion.

Cary thinks LeeAnne’s delivery has improved but she still needs to watch what she says. D’Andra and Stephanie just sit there, each of them stuck in the middle between Brandi and LeeAnne. After Brandi stalks away from the table, D’Andra expresses her conundrum: she just made up with LeeAnne, so if she goes after Brandi LeeAnne is going to think she’s chosen Brandi’s friendship over hers, and if she stays at the table Brandi will think she chose LeeAnne. I think D’Andra is right—she can’t win this one. And sure enough, the moment she goes to meet Brandi, LeeAnne writes her off.

Stephanie feels guilty for not leaving with Brandi, but like D’Andra, she is in a good place with LeeAnne and is torn between jeopardizing that relationship and supporting her best friend. Ultimately both D’Andra and Stephanie choose to meet Brandi at a bar down the street because, as Stephanie admits in her talking head, they are kind of being fake bitches by pretending that LeeAnne isn’t as dirty as she’s ever been just to keep the peace. LeeAnne excuses her behavior with the blood-curdling statement that when she’s hurt, she’ll “cut you off at the ankles and watch you try to crawl away as you’re bleeding to death.” Shudder. LeeAnne is scary AF.

Can we talk about how self-aware Stephanie is? Lisa Rinna should look to her for #goals because Stephanie OWNS it. Stephanie has the ability to size up almost any situation and her part in it. She usually comes to an insightful conclusion and acts accordingly. In this case, she is absolutely right in saying that LeeAnne tosses out damaging words that can never be taken back, and that everyone is sweeping things under the rug.

Kameron only cares about eating the ice cream Stephanie left behind, and Carey is just relieved the other women are leaving the next day. She is excited to spend time with Mark and Zuri at Tivoli Gardens. I wonder if she’ll make Zuri dress up in a “Danish girl” outfit? She should, because it’s actually appropriate for a child and Zuri would probably love it, especially if she has any of her mother’s clotheshorse DNA. I wonder if Mark will insist on picking out Zuri’s clothes, too?

Back in Dallas, everyone goes about their daily business. Stephanie’s plants are taking vodka shots and LeeAnne is preparing for her l’infinity dress fashion show. I couldn’t care less about another subpar Housewife fashion show. My eyes are still hurting from Dorit’s Beverly Beach reveal.

Kameron arrives at Cary’s bearing milkshakes. She is still complaining about the food in Denmark—let it go, girl. She and Cary rehash a bit of the Denmark trip, and Kameron tells Cary that D’Andra is on friend probation. I have to pause and roll my eyes a thousand times over Kameron’s sorority girl ridiculousness.

Now we learn why this episode is dubbed “Game of Phones.” I love this title. Not only does it remind me that Season 8 of the incomparable “Game of Thrones” will begin in a few short months, but it is clever and aptly describes the episode.

LeeAnne lost her phone the last night in Denmark. She looked and looked for it, then finally gave up and returned to her room. Brandi found the phone under some cushions in the hotel bar and returned it to LeeAnne later that night. LeeAnne assumed Brandi stole her phone (which I could see Brandi doing), so she told everyone that she cloned Brandi’s phone. Cary and Kameron aren’t sure whether to believe this CSI-level maneuver is true, but Cary thinks it’s creepy if it is. Neither of them believes LeeAnne has the capability to clone someone’s phone, nor does Stephanie, who nails the situation as usual. She thinks LeeAnne was pissed at Brandi and made something up to freak Brandi out. And it worked, because Brandi is freaking out.

Cary’s prodigal parents have returned from Palm Springs, and instead of staying in their own house, they are staying at a hotel. Cary and Mark are pretty entitled. They have been squatting at her parents’ house while theirs is being renovated, and they expect the parents to stay at a hotel while they’re in town because Cary feels weird about sleeping with her husband in their bed. I think Cary must be an only child.

Cary and her Dad have a frosty relationship, but they’re bonding over Cary’s trip to Denmark. The only thing I have to say about this is that it’s very uncomfortable to watch a couple of WASPs try to show emotion.

The day of LeeAnne’s fashion show has arrived, and she is psycho-gushing over her team of stylists/event planners. She actually gets down on her knees and bows to one of them. LeeAnne is always on ten. I wish she would take it down a notch; she’s exhausting.

At D’Andra’s, she and Cary are getting glammed up for the show. They check in with Brandi, who wasn’t invited. Her daughter Brooklyn (ugh—that is not a real name. Just because the Beckhams did it doesn’t mean anyone else should) destroyed Brandi’s closet in a fit of pique. Instead of punishing this little brat for acting out in such a way, Brandi is planning a special evening for all three of the kids. Rewarding this behavior is why Brooklyn is a brat. The word “brat” fits in with the Redmond family theme names. I can just hear the message on their answering machine (if anyone still had answering machines): “Hi, you’ve reached the Redmonds’. Brian, Brandi, Brinkley, Brooklyn and Bruin aren’t home right now, but leave a message…” Etc., etc. Barf.

Cary informs D’Andra that Kameron has placed her on friend probation. Why does anyone tell Cary anything? She just can’t help herself. This annoys D’Andra, who considers it a jab. Cary thinks she should laugh it off because it’s funny, but Cary didn’t relay this information in a joking manner. She did it in a s***-stirring manner and is now trying to look innocent.

In lieu of attending the fashion show, Stephanie sends LeeAnne flowers to wish her luck. LeeAnne calls her with a super intense and over-the-top thank you, and Stephanie tells LeeAnne she hates to miss the show, but it’s Travis’ birthday. She tells us in her talking head that she’s glad to have an excuse not to go. This is the fake bitch stuff Brandi was talking about in Denmark.

More fake bitchery is on display at the fashion show. LeeAnne is being nicey-nice to D’Andra even though she said she’s lost all hope for their friendship. D’Andra is being cordial to Kameron despite her irritation at being placed on friend probation. D’Andra says nothing about the state of LeeAnne’s relationship when she’s told that Rich is out of town on his fiance’s big night.

As the fashion show begins, I’m wondering if LeeAnne is going to make her guests sit through all 175 of her l’infinity dress’ looks. I don’t know, but at least we don’t have to—thank goodness for network time limitations. Kameron thinks it’s genius; D’Andra can see the appeal for someone who doesn’t have a huge clothing budget; Cary is underwhelmed and would rather just go out and buy 175 dresses. God, Cary is smug. But I have to agree with her—the l’infinity dress looks cheap, gimmicky and impractical. Where would you keep all those extra flounces and attachments, and how would you store them so they wouldn’t get wrinkled?

The show closes with one of LeeAnne’s minions introducing her as the “queen bee,” which D’Andra interprets as a jab to her. She also interprets LeeAnne walking the runway in a wedding dress as a jab. D’Andra sure is taking a lot of jabs this episode. It turns out she’s right about the wedding dress, because LeeAnne tells us she did it because D’Andra didn’t believe she’d ever walk down an aisle in a white dress. Could LeeAnne be any pettier?

At the after party, Cary congratulates LeeAnne (fake) and D’Andra tells her she wouldn’t have missed the show for the world, even if they weren’t speaking (probably fake). LeeAnne responds by telling her that if they weren’t talking, D’Andra wouldn’t have been invited (not fake, just unnecessarily provocative. Sometimes fake is good).

LeeAnne says that she and D’Andra fight like sisters, and we come back around to phone-gate when D’Andra agrees she could have gotten past the facial recognition feature on LeeAnne’s phone since they look so much alike. The ladies ask LeeAnne if she actually cloned Brandi’s phone, and she admits she made it up to punish Brandi for stealing her phone.

The others tell her that was not a good move, especially since she’s trying to convince everyone she’s changed. LeeAnne refuses to take any responsibility for lying to Brandi, and wonders why everyone is always judging her and ignoring Brandi’s mean girl side. That’s because, in Cary’s words, the things LeeAnne does make her look clinically insane.

D’Andra observes that if LeeAnne is going back to her old ways, she hasn’t changed at all, which was exactly the point Brandi made way back at the beginning of the episode. Brandi may be rough around the edges, but the girl has some street smarts.

Next week, LeeAnne and Brandi throw down at Stephanie’s party, and it looks like the trailer girl may have bested the carny since we’re treated to a preview of LeeAnne on the ground, moaning about being alone. Thank you in advance, LeeAnne, for never worrying about silly things like dignity or decorum. Never leave my TV.