Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Femme Finale

Shannon finally confronts Gina and Emily at the “Femme Fatale” party, but like everything else this season, this showdown falls flat.

It’s the final episode of the most boring season ever. Emily is preparing for her “Femme Fatale” party while Vicki is fishing for compliments about her recent facelift. She didn’t want the results to be noticeable, and she’s in luck, because they aren’t. Steve placates her, and I have to believe he just tells this exhausting woman what she wants to hear in the hopes that she might—for once—shut up.

Shannon’s

guinea pigs

daughters are tasting some new products for her prepared food line. The turkey burger is a hit, and Shannon is proud of herself for building a business that will allow her to be financially independent so she won’t have to rely on David for support. Just when Shannon is enjoying a moment out from under the dark cloud that perpetually hangs over her head, her oldest daughter Sophie drops a bomb. She wants to go on the pill for her “cramps” and “acne.” Shannon is appalled that Sophie would broach such a brazen subject and is not ready to have this conversation with her. Isn’t Sophie sixteen or seventeen years old? I think that is a perfectly appropriate age to have a conversation about birth control, but unlike Shannon, I do not inhabit a 1950’s universe where reality can be kept at bay by throwing back half a bottle of vodka during your afternoon bridge game with the girls.

Emily, Tamra and Kelly meet at a BDSM store to shop for outfits for the femme fatale party. Let me just point out that the store owner’s name is Bright. Bright. What a very I’m-going-to-California-to-find-myself name. I think Emily is confused about the meaning of the phrase “femme fatale.” She thinks it means a confident, seductive woman, hence she chose it for the theme of her party, which she says is to celebrate mothers. As Tamra points out, there is kind of a disconnect between celebrating motherhood and shopping for dominatrix gear.

In reality, “femme fatale” has a darker connotation. According to merriam-webster.com, the term refers to a “seductive woman who lures men into dangerous or compromising situations.” There is something sinister about a femme fatale, and I guess in Emily’s mother-in-law Pary’s case, the phrase is correctly applied. This is a woman who gloated about throwing away her birth control immediately after her husband told her he wasn’t ready to have children. So it’s fitting that Pary’s house is where the femme fatale party will be held.

Gina calls while Emily and the others are at the BDSM store and asks to speak to Tamra. She is wondering why Tamra blew off her birthday party and wants to discuss the state of their friendship. Tamra agrees to go to Gina’s casita to talk it out, despite being hurt that Gina ran to Shannon and told her that Tamra was questioning her mental state.

It turns out Tamra was not only questioning Shannon’s mental state. In a couple of previously unaired scenes, we learn that Tamra also said no one feels sorry for Shannon when she’s been complaining about her weight for three years but has done nothing about it, and that she doesn’t believe in Shannon’s prepared food line. Gina understands that Tamra was venting because she didn’t feel Shannon was pulling her weight (no pun intended) in the friendship, which is why she never told Shannon those things. Imagine how interesting this season could have been if she had told her! I can’t wait to see how Shannon handles this new information about her good friend Tamra at the reunion.

Emily is at the airport to pick up her mother, who has recently emerged from a year-long depression during which she did not leave her house. Emily harbors anger over her mother’s inability to effectively parent her, which is understandable—but how about a little empathy for a woman who I’m sure didn’t choose to lose a year (and probably much more) of her life to mental illness? I’m sorry, but Emily is a crybaby.

Everyone is getting ready for the party. Kelly is pleased when her boy toy tells her she looks like a high-class hooker. Gina’s son experiments with her bronzer and quizzes her about staying in the casita. Gina and Matt have not addressed their separation with the kids yet, because they know their kids’ reaction to the news depends on how they present it. They are holding off until they get some guidance on how to proceed, and once again I am impressed by Gina’s thoughtful and deliberate approach to her divorce.

Over at Tamra’s, she and Shannon are getting glammed up. Shannon is going to a Poison concert after the party because she is a “rocker.” Ummm…Shannon is the absolute furthest thing from a rocker, which is evidenced by her outfit. She has chosen to wear a Dolce and Gabbana dress (probably her grandmother’s) topped off by the ultimate wannabe rocker-chick cliché, a studded leather jacket.

Tamra recounts part of her conversation with Gina—she leaves out the part where she snarked about Shannon’s weight and QVC line—but Shannon is still annoyed that Gina chose to impart the mental illness information to her four days after her eye surgery. Because someone who just had eye surgery shouldn’t be told something that might make her cry. Maybe if Shannon wasn’t such a victim she wouldn’t be so susceptible to crying. She also thinks that Kelly Dodd and Emily have some nerve questioning her mental state when Kelly flies off the handle at the drop of a hat (pot/kettle, Shannon) and Emily routinely threatens to kill people.

Once again, Shannon is exaggerating to bolster her own narrative. Kelly used to fly off the handle, but now she seems like the most stable person in the group; Emily threatened to kill someone on one occasion. All week Bravo has been promising us a showdown between Shannon and Gina, but it sounds like Shannon is more focused on Emily and her armchair diagnosis.

Vicki is boring Steve’s family with tales of her grueling facelift surgery. How totally like Vicki to expect sympathy for an elective and superfluous procedure. They all stare at her blank-faced until the daughter’s boyfriend cracks and tells her she looks good. Apparently he’s learned from Steve and will say what he must to put an end to her incessant attention-whoring.

In a limo on the way to the party, another long-suffering man is enduring the company of a tiresome woman. Eddie lets out a frustrated sigh as Shannon asks him what he thinks of Gina and Emily and then—wait for it—whines about how they’re not very nice to her. Eddie is clearly over Shannon.

Over at Pary’s, Emily is groveling for her mother-in-law’s approval lest she be banished to a condo in the Valley. We commence with some filler as people start arriving for the party. Gina is changing into her party attire at Pary’s because she didn’t want her mother to see her in her “baby-making” boots; Pary mistakes Eddie for Tamra’s son; and everyone meets Emily’s mother. Emily feels their relationship is progressing, and hopefully this will result in less blubbering from Emily in the future (assuming she gets another season).

Tamra, Shannon and Gina convene outside where Gina addresses the elephant in the room. Tamra begins by telling Gina that she discussed their casita conversation with Shannon. Shannon is incensed that Gina called Shannon a liar—Shannon doesn’t lie! Gina insists she was simply a messenger, letting Shannon know that her friends were worried about her mental state based on her behavior in Jamaica. Shannon downplays her histrionics by shrugging that she blew up after a few shots at dinner. Does Shannon not realize that having emotional meltdowns after a few shots at dinner means that she probably shouldn’t have a few shots at dinner?

Shannon is just getting started; what she refers to as Gina’s pot-stirring has been festering inside her throughout the season. She is still upset because she thinks Gina told Emily that Shannon said she was in an abusive marriage (she didn’t). She is still upset that Gina tried to blame her for the altercation that led to Emily threatening to kill Kelly (she didn’t, she only said she would have advised Kelly not to approach Steve that evening). Gina has some good receipts—for every accusation Shannon throws her way, there is a video clip to back up Gina’s version of events.

Tamra observes that Shannon needs to let things go, and truer words were never spoken (by Tamra, at least). Emily wonders what is going on over by the fire pit and she and Kelly decide to join the fray. Shannon abandons her grievances with Gina to turn on Emily. It was very irresponsible and damaging to diagnose Shannon as having a mental disease or defect. Emily quibbles that she didn’t “diagnose” Shannon, which is technically true…but she did say Shannon’s behavior reminded her of her mother, who clearly suffers from a pretty severe mental illness. Emily’s receipts are not as good as Gina’s.

Elsewhere at the party Vicki embarrasses everyone around her by trying to bulldoze Steve into marriage and continues to fish for compliments about her facelift. Even a Vicki-lite episode has too much Vicki in it.

Emily apologizes to Shannon for saying she seemed mentally ill; her intention was never to hurt Shannon—she (like everyone else) just found her behavior worrisome. Shannon surprisingly accepts her apology and dashes off to change for the Poison concert. She has decided to ditch the Dolce and Gabbana dress in favor of an all-black ensemble but for a red Bret Michaels-style bandana around her forehead. Shannon is tragic.

It’s time to wrap things up. Shannon is in a good place after launching her QVC line and feels like she and her daughters are going to be okay. Gina is going ahead with her divorce, which means no more sex with Matt. Emily’s relationship with her mother is improving and she is still hoping to convince Shane to have another child. Good luck with that. Kelly is enjoying being single—she should, she’s very good at it. Vicki is still harping on Steve about getting married but has yet to receive a ring, which shows Steve’s good sense. Tamra has had a difficult year with moving and Eddie’s health problems, and has moved—again—finally making it inside the gates of Coto de Caza where it all began.

And with that, the most boring season of The Real Housewives of Orange County ever is in the can.