Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Easter Wives Hunt

Jersey, it’s been awhile. I’ve only watched this show intermittently for the last couple of years so bear with me as I catch up with these Housewives during these first couple of episodes. Right away I’m shocked to see that Gia is driving! Oh, how they grow up.

I like this Margaret, despite her insistence on wearing those ponytails all the time. She and her husband Joe (there sure are a lot of husbands named Joe in Jersey) are at the tattoo parlor so he can get their wedding date inscribed on his ring finger in lieu of wearing a wedding ring. Margaret’s mother, Marge Sr., is getting a facelift and Margaret is concerned about her post-op care since Margaret will be out of town on business. Here’s a thought—postpone your business trip for a week or two.

Jackie and her two sets of twins arrive at Melissa’s. Why do all these young women do IVF? Does anyone have children the old-fashioned way anymore? This is our opportunity to meet Jackie—her husband works in finance in the city and she works from home as a journalist. She writes articles about parenting and has gotten some pretty harsh comments from internet trolls, who she cordially invites to go f*** themselves. Jackie and her thick skin are clearly on the show to serve as Melissa’s backup in the episodes to come; we know there is going to be Giudice/Gorga War 2.0 from the season’s previews, and the soldiers are lining up already. I have to wonder how genuine this familial strife is when off the rip Melissa informs Jackie that she and Teresa used to “butt heads” (that’s putting it mildly), but they’ll never be in that place again. The whole scene just seems a little too much like a setup for the fighting to come. Since we know that both Melissa and Teresa are venal famewhores, I wouldn’t put it past either of them to cook up this whole storyline for a ratings boost. We’ll see.

Gia, Teresa and Nonno are getting their nails done, and now it’s Teresa’s turn to foreshadow the impending family squabble. She and Gia kvetch about how Nonno is upset that Joe (Gorga) doesn’t call or visit him often enough. He is still grieving for his wife, and Teresa is hosting Easter dinner because she thinks being around family will make him feel better. Which means there will definitely be drama at Teresa’s Easter dinner and no one will feel better. I’m looking forward to it already.

Frank and Dolores are shopping for tiles for their flip house. I’m very confused by this relationship. Frank lives with Dolores when he’s not in Florida, they’re business partners, and they interact like a couple…yet Dolores has a boyfriend? Dolores tells Frank that Danielle is talking shit about them again—last year it was questioning their living arrangement (oh no—did I just validate Danielle by questioning Dolores and Frank’s living arrangement? I take it back.); this year she’s gossiping about Frank’s disbarment. Apparently there was some bad blood between Dolores and Margaret last season, because Frank thinks it’s great that Dolores invited her to the hatchet-throwing party. Dolores is ambivalent—I’ve noticed over the last two episodes that Dolores is very articulate, something I’m not used to with the Jersey Housewives—because, after all, Margaret is friends with Danielle and Danielle is a psycho. Frank tells Dolores not to worry, because it is inevitable that Danielle will turn on Margaret.

Low and behold, at Danielle’s house Margaret tells Danielle that she accepted Dolores’ hatchet party invitation and Danielle turns on her. She is “very upset” and “hurt.” Over this? How is it possible that Danielle has not evolved one iota in the last nine years? And why is Margaret, who seems mature and self-possessed, even friends with this trainwreck? She sagely points out that her relationship with Danielle has nothing to do with her relationship with Dolores and vice versa. Since Danielle is incapable of having a healthy perspective on anything, she asks Margaret what she and Dolores have in common. Is it that Margaret cheated on her husband and Dolores got cheated on? Margaret chides her for going below the belt, and true to form, Danielle basically tells her that’s what she gets for hurting her and flounces out of the room in tears. I’d love to know what Danielle brings to the table in her friendships. Why would anyone put up with this ridiculous drama queen?

At the hatchet party, Margaret recounts the episode and Dolores nails Danielle’s modus operandi by calling her a professional victim. The ladies throw their hatchets while we meet the new Turkish girl. Her name is Jennifer, her husband is a plastic surgeon and she has five kids. She also has WAY too much Botox and fillers; in her younger pictures she was beautiful—now she looks like every other frozen and overfilled woman on the streets. I’m guessing she’s only in her 30’s, but her efforts to look young are really aging her. She needs to take a good look at cautionary tale Siggy Flicker and lay off the juice.

Jennifer lives in the Jersey version of Heather Dubrow’s old house. It’s just as cold, just as uninviting and has even more bathrooms (16, to be exact). At least Heather’s furniture complemented the brittle interior of her house; Jennifer’s furniture is the type that people with no taste buy because they think it makes them look rich. It belongs in the shrine to tackiness that is Teresa Giudice’s house, not in the frigid space it currently occupies.

Back to the party, where the women are throwing hatchets at the things they want to excise from their lives—ten pounds, excuses and sundry things holding them back. Margaret tells them all about her upcoming trip to Oklahoma for her children’s hospital gown business (which is a pretty great idea), and inorganically invites them along. Saddle up for cast trip number one.

Jennifer has agreed to go, but she has to run it by her husband first. He’s very traditional and not happy about her leaving the family because it means he’ll have to adjust his schedule to accommodate their children. He provides a cushy life for her, and she’s expected to handle all things on the homefront. Jennifer feels she’s done her time staying home with five kids and stands her ground until the husband agrees to “let” her go. Just when I start to feel envious of someone for hitting the jackpot with a rich husband, I see her ask his permission to do something and the feeling goes away immediately.

Teresa is at the gym getting a fitness assessment from two of the hardest-looking, roided-out taskmasters I’ve ever seen. The fitness competition physique is just not a good look—not for women, not for men—no one. I grudgingly admire people who put themselves through the physical punishment and utter deprivation of all pleasurable things in life it takes to achieve this goal, but still. It’s not a good look.

Marge Sr., however, is on her way to a good look as she’s just endured a six-hour face lift. Here’s a note to TPTB at Bravo: surgical procedures do not make interesting TV unless something goes horribly wrong. We don’t need to see any more face lifts, eye lifts, vaginal rejuvenations or boob jobs. They’re boring, they’re filler, and we just fast forward through them. Enough already.

It’s time for Teresa’s Easter dinner. Nonno is already drunk and the Gorgas haven’t even arrived yet. This bodes well for drama, and sure enough—no sooner does Joe Gorga greet his father than Nonno starts in on him about not calling or visiting. Joe laughs it off. For now.

Everyone sits down to dinner and there is a sentimental moment as Nonno makes a toast to his wife. Milania and Antonia seem uncomfortable at the sight of their grandfather’s tears, Teresa gets choked up (not only because she’s eating boiled chicken for Easter dinner) and Melissa tries to lighten the moment by having everyone blow kisses to Nona in heaven. Her efforts are in vain, however, because the lugubrious pall of death and filial neglect has already settled over the table. Nonno isn’t satisfied that all the grandchildren like his pasta; he wants to know if Joe likes it. Teresa’s deep-seated resentment of her brother is revealed when she points out that Nonno only cares about the opinion of the son who’s never around. Then she utters that which must not be spoken and asks Joe if he’s going to be around more. Here we go.

Melissa doesn’t understand why Teresa would bring this up in front of Nonno, who is already upset (and drunk). She thinks Teresa’s timing sucks. I think Teresa’s timing is calculated to stir the pot. Joe has had enough and explains that with his hectic work schedule, he doesn’t have the time to spend with Nonno. This is weak, and actually bolsters Teresa’s argument that she’s worried Joe will regret not making time for his father once Nonno is gone.

Melissa, Teresa and Joe head to the kitchen where Joe and Teresa get into it. He insists he has no time for Nonno and he’s sick of hearing about it. Teresa’s not buying it and she’s sick of hearing Nonno complain about Joe all the time. Melissa warns us in her talking head that if Teresa doesn’t let up, Joe is going to explode. They’re pretty much at an impasse, and not even the level-headed, straight-shooting Gia can mediate this dispute. I guess everything old is new again, because if I remember correctly, the crux of Teresa and Joe’s problem in the past was that she did everything for her parents and resented him for doing next to nothing.

Next week, the Jersey girls go to Oklahoma, and hopefully we will be spared the routine, embarrassing antics the Housewives resort to when they encounter an unfamiliar environment. Looking at you, OC.