Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Friends and Enemas

Real Housewives of Orange County’s Vicki never fails to disappoint. Her utter lack of shame gives an otherwise lackluster episode life, if only for a moment.

How can basically nothing happen on the second-to-last episode of the season? This has to be the most boring franchise on Bravo right now. Kelly arrives at Gina’s house to help her move some things to the casita she stays in while her soon-to-be-ex-husband lives in their house on the weekends. Kelly thinks this arrangement is brilliant and I can’t thank her enough for being so unsentimental about divorce. She is a breath of fresh air after a season of watching Vicki (of all people) scold Gina about the sanctity of marriage, Shannon melt down over her own divorce, and Emily blubber about pretty much everything.

Kelly zeroes in on pictures of Matt and, Kelly being Kelly, ignores all the reasons Gina has given for the breakup of her marriage and simply wonders why Gina would divorce such a hot guy. Kelly is happy to take her leftovers, and I suspect that once this divorce is over Kelly and Gina are going to be amazing wingmen for each other as they prowl the OC for fresh meat. Gina’s not quite there yet, because as she looks around her casita it seems the reality of her divorce is setting in. She seems a little less cavalier about her decision now that she is away from her kids on the weekends and realizing she won’t be celebrating her upcoming wedding anniversary with Matt. Gina’s emotion as her divorce progresses is understandable, but I just don’t care. We’ve been hearing about this oh-so-amicable divorce for several episodes now, and I’m not tuning into the Housewives to see two adults handle their breakup in a mature and reasonable way. If you’re not going to descend into a Shannon-style spiral or throw drinks on Jeana Keough at Vicki’s backyard barbecue, you’re boring me.

A couple of housing developments over, Tamra and a post-op Vicki are discussing Shannon. Specifically, Tamra’s irritation over Gina telling Shannon that the other ladies were questioning her mental health in Jamaica. Tamra still isn’t sure if Gina was trying to say that Tamra is a bad friend to Shannon or to believe that Gina was sincerely trying to be a good friend to her by telling her that people are concerned about her behavior. I’m going with the latter on this one—wouldn’t anyone be concerned by Shannon’s behavior? Vicki and Tamra sure were in Jamaica, so it’s a little confusing—and disingenuous—that they are now sitting on Vicki’s couch adamantly stating that Shannon is not mentally ill. They are clearly determined to make Gina the villain in this scenario when Gina is the only one that actually says things to people’s faces with minimal drama. Drama only ensues after hysterical Shannon or perennially suspicious Tamra put their own spin on whatever information is being exchanged. Shannon takes everything way too personally, and because Tamra is a snake and a shit-stirrer herself she assumes everyone else is too.

Over at Emily’s coffee-ground-reading gathering, Tamra gives Gina the cold shoulder. Not one to ignore the elephant in the room, Gina says she is over Shannon and is taking herself out of the drama. She doesn’t understand how something that was supposed to be about being a good friend to Shannon has ended up creating a rift between Gina and Tamra. Emily points out that Gina has shown herself to be “pretty hard-core straight-up,” and she’s right about that. However Tamra is confused because she’s never known Shannon to be a liar (just a lunatic), and she doesn’t perceive Gina to be a shit-stirrer. Tamra and Gina agree to let it go for now, and here’s another example of how mature, adult behavior just doesn’t make for good TV.

What does make for good TV, however, is Kelly Dodd. She and Michael are attending Jolie’s production of Oliver!, which appears to be legit high-end. Kelly herself calls the performance “pretty profesh,” high praise from a woman who has openly mocked theater dorks since her days as ruler of the cool kids at Insert-Bland-Suburban-Junior-High-School-Here, USA. I am not knocking Kelly for this. Of course she thought theater kids were dorks; Kelly Dodd is not a sophisticate and she knows this about herself. But she can still appreciate her daughter’s interest in the arts and be proud of her for doing well. Her ability to put aside whatever differences she has with Michael and enjoy his company at Jolie’s performance is lovely to watch, and she delivers the best line of the episode when she tells Jolie that if she ever wants to transition, she looks good as a boy. I am loving Kelly Dodd this season.

Back at the tea-leaf-reading party, the psychic or whatever she is (whose stretched and pulled features are almost identical to Emily’s mother-in-law’s) delivers the lamest non-fortunes I’ve ever heard. Tamra and Eddie may be separated for a day or two, but they’ll be fine. Someone has done something very nice for Emily and Emily must pay her back. I’m assuming by Emily’s scrunchy pre-crying face that this is referring to her sister serving as Emily’s surrogate. Thankfully the psychic moves on, telling Emily she’s going to get some news over the phone. What a revelation! At least we didn’t have to hear once again about Emily’s difficulties having children. I’m tired of this story—sorry not sorry. Finally, Gina gets the earth-shattering news that she is going to sign a paper at some point in the future. Worst. Psychic. Ever.

It’s the day of Gina’s sequin-themed birthday party. She reminded everyone of the time and place as she was leaving the tea-leaf party, but Tamra is on the fence as to whether she’ll go. Vicki and Shannon are having a pajama party at Vicki’s house, and Tamra would rather just hang out with those two. Why, I cannot imagine.

As Gina is getting ready for her party at the casita, she gets the news that her son was awarded the game ball at the game she had to leave early. She is upset because this is the first of many “monumental” occasions in her children’s lives she’ll have to miss as a result of her divorce. I don’t really understand this logic and I don’t really think receiving the game ball at a 4-year-old’s T-Ball game qualifies as a monumental occasion. Maybe there is a little bit of drama queen in Gina, after all.

Vicki’s son Michael stops by her house to admonish her for going under the knife yet again. He doesn’t understand why she keeps doing this to herself (especially when she looks NO different than she did before) and elicits a promise from her that she will not undergo any more elective surgery. Right. The real purpose of this visit is for Vicki to show Michael where she keeps all her important papers—including her life insurance policy on Donn. That’s right, Vicki has a life insurance policy on Donn. She points out it is legal to carry life insurance on your ex-spouse, so that makes it okay. No Vicki, that makes it legal. It is still tacky, avaricious and exactly what I have come to expect from the insufferable Vicki Gunvalson.

Emily arrives at Gina’s birthday venue to decorate the table before the rest of the group arrives. She does a lovely job and Gina is very appreciative of her efforts, especially since this is the first birthday in eleven years she hasn’t spent with Matt (even though he tried to have phone sex with her the night before). The only problem is that Tamra is AWOL. She has decided to dress up as an old lady in a housecoat and spend the night with Vicki and Shannon instead. This is because in Jamaica, Gina, Emily and Kelly said they would stay together in the sorority house while Vicki, Tamra and Shannon would be in the old folks’ home. Upon seeing Tamra and Vicki in their matching housecoats, Shannon screeches that instead of the “tres amigas,” tonight they are the “tres abuelas.” Why, WHY does Shannon have to deliver every one of her “punchlines” in that harsh, piercing manner?

Tamra didn’t tell Gina she wasn’t coming to her party and spends the evening dodging calls from the birthday girl and Kelly. When she finally gets the balls to answer, she says she forgot about the party—how insulting is that?—and the other ladies respond by making cracks about playing bridge and other old lady pursuits. But little do they know, THESE old ladies are full of crazy hijinks like giving each other enemas. If there is one thing about this show that is beyond tiresome, it is the producers’ insistence that watching these middle-aged women running around screaming with laughter over juvenile pranks is somehow entertaining. It’s not. Nor is watching them take shots and dance on the bar at Andele’s, which we’ve seen them do pretty much every season. So when Vicki and Tamra dismiss Gina’s party by saying they are not into clubs and bars anymore, it is hypocrisy at its finest.

I take that back. Hypocrisy at its finest is when Tamra and Vicki—who just a couple of episodes ago were questioning Shannon’s mental stability and gossiping about her drinking—tell their good friend she is just fine and set her up for a meltdown by telling her how Emily likened Shannon’s behavior to her own mentally ill mother’s. Shannon bristles at this armchair diagnosis, hopefully enough to keep next week’s finale from being as dull as the rest of this season.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Mondays at 8/7c on Bravo.