Not one dog featured this week on Real Housewives of Dallas

There’s not one dog this week on Real Housewives of Dallas, but here’s what happened anyways.

“If he can spend thousands of dollars on a house without consulting me, I can spend thousands of dollars on Halloween party without consulting him.”

That’s the totally healthy note we start off on this week on Real Housewives of Dallas and unfortunately, it never really gets much better — particularly as it relates to the dogs of Dallas. But since we watched the whole thing anyways, here’s what happened.

Other things we learn immediately in the opening of episode 3: Stephanie really loves Halloween, she always gets super drunk on Halloween and Travis always gets “super laid.” (Hence, Travis also loves Halloween.) Stephanie has a party planner over, who is throwing out a “Bad Romance” theme for this year’s party, estimating $15-20,000. Stephanie says that she doesn’t want to think about money and that Travis will be just as surprised by the bill as she was by the house. Classic RHOD marriage!

Meanwhile, Cary is practicing being a stay-at-home mom. It’s extremely unclear if she’s used her kitchen before. She calls her daughter a biscuit and she the gravy, which is cute but also just draws attention to the absence of Biscuit the dog.

Next we go to Kameron who is en route to an “authentic Mexican restaurant” because her family can’t get enough of Mexican food after their Cabo trip, and also can’t get enough of making their child translate. Kameron has a bright pink bag on her lap and honestly, I spent the whole scene hoping Louis would pop his head out of it.

Also: Shout out Kameron’s husband Court with his definitely not fake “other event” the night of Stephanie’s Halloween party. But also call out Court with his still gross negging of Kameron’s business aspiration.

Whether Kameron actually has business acumen remains to be seen, but she is incredibly correct in her assessment that their daughter Hilton’s Spanish is amazing and adorable.

Back to Cary, where Mark is calling their daughter a salty (?) peanut and immediately gets petty and weird with his wife. Cary says she hopes dinner is good “for her sake.” Mark “thought she was going to have a glass of wine ready” for him. Then he says it’s “not a very big dinner, baby, but I had a late lunch so it’s okay.” What, dude?

Cary calls this behavior “growing pains” because she wasn’t at work with him and he’s apparently a toddler.

Elsewhere, LeeAnne is wearing furry boots, which is notable because it’s the closest we get to seeing a fluffy dog this episode, except maybe Cary’s Tigress costume, but as we’ll see that’s very much a fur-free look. In any case, LeeAnne is with Brandi and they’re discussing how confusing it is they were invited to Stephanie’s Halloween party.

Ladies, you are on a Bravo Real Housewives show. It’s not confusing. The producers made sure you were invited. But LeeAnne decides it means Stephanie is two-faced. (This is a RH Chekhovian gun.)

More tears.

Now onto my new favorite place in the RHOD universe: D’Andra’s home. Jeremy and D’Andra are cooking and wow do they seem like a functional couple compared to everyone else. His biggest flaw seems to be that he’s really into PDA, both in front of her parents and also the cameras. They’ve been married three years and Jeremy has two sons from a previous marriage, one of whom, Keatin, lives with them. D’Andra has very real concerns about the sons thinking of her as the “other woman” but then also tries to recruit his son to maybe work for her? It’s a little strange, but after the orchestrated Bravo tension breaks, it’s actually a pretty sweet family scene.

Then Stephanie arrives at Brandi’s house and they both whisper (??) small talk at each other while we’re treated to flashbacks of their friendship. They speak up a little bit more as they recap the various transgressions, some of which are indeed pretty messed up. Then Brandi tears up describing when Cary called Stephanie her ride-or-die on Instagram. Girl, how is that that the most emotional part of this for you? They cry, they make up, they immediately get into some pretty heavy stuff. (Brandi had a miscarriage???).

Finally, Stephanie and Brandi declare it the first and last big fight they ever have. Fingers crossed!

Back to the RHOD happy place, D’Andra’s mostly healthy household, where she and Keatin go through her closet. (The work she has enlisted him to do to keep busy is selling some of her clothes on eBay.) Keatin is all of us reacting to the prices and styles of her dresses and D’Andra is all of us saying she doesn’t feel guilty because she just loves clothes and shoes. This family is the greatest.

Enjoy this old photo of D’Andra’s dog I found looking for an Instagram of one of her dresses:

Back to the show. LeeAnne rolls into the office of Elizabeth, her therapist, and Elizabeth does not share LeeAnne’s concern about this Halloween party. LeeAnne admits the not-nice side of her has inspired her to attend the party dressed as Stephanie as Two-Face.

Her therapist: “Do you have to?”

Elizabeth recommends she say nothing or walk away.

Back to D’Andra’s house, where she and Jeremy are discussing the Halloween party and D’Andra’s has chosen “the baddest romance of them all” for their couple’s costume: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Then, D’Andra talks about how connecting to Keatin isn’t working because he didn’t get rid of the dresses already? This seemed contrived.

Now over to the sneaky most concerning marriage: Cary and Mark, who are doing some TV spots. They’re doing a piece on how they work together as surgeon and nurse. Cary scary-laughs at how they are “always together.” It does not go well. The producer looks pissed.

But onto the costume party.

Cary and Mark arrive as Tigress and Tiger Trainer, and, oh my. Cary’s tiger costume is exclusively body paint and stilettos, meaning she is not actually wearing any clothes. (She’s in a thong and has a scarf to cover her nipples if you want to get technical.)

D’Andra and Jeremy arrive as the aforementioned presidential affair.

Brandi and Bryan arrive as Mr. and Mrs. Skeleboner — or at least that’s what Bravo calls the look? They kind of look like they mailed it in if we’re being totally honest.

Kameron, rolling stag, arrives as a “Pink Princess” and she is the spitting image of Sleeping Beauty.

Then, of course, there is LeeAnne arriving, against her therapist’s advice, as Two-Face. It’s an incredible costume, except for the Stephanie part. No one really gets that Stephanie angle but LeeAnne doesn’t want to spell it out either. Finally, Mark gets it, or else one of the producers clued him in. So it becomes a whole thing. Also a thing: Something about Brandi calling Kameron dumb and talentless, or something.

The best part of the whole party is D’Andra and Kameron talking in the corner about how drama thirsty this crew is and it’s amazing.

LeeAnne and Brandi talk privately. The episode of ends but of course this saga won’t — that’s why we watch!

Next: Real Housewives share messages of support for Houston

Next week: More dogs, please.